What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:14
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We all went to grammer schools
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Who then, do I blame.?
How are max different from medical and minimum security prisons?
What did i know ?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Ive learnt so much.
Do empaths fall easier for abusive people?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I write beautiful poetry .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I have no regrets .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I think the readers, may guess!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My life is so biszare .
This is soul school!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I said to her
Would this be the day?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Put me off passion for life!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He knew the spot.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My family never makes their pension either.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was in good health!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He resisted the act ,that day.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was 9 years of age.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She found it foreign!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was scared of men, in general
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot live in the past .
I don,t even have a pension.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She married twice! .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So whats the point in blame.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And i lived it daily.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We were not on the streets..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As i do to all so called friends.?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im still living with it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But, we were locked up after school.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I waited trembling.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Comes on , in middle age.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So, i spoilt her more .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was seconnd youngest,
She loved him until the end.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
All the time i was locked up.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
When she asked me how she looked .
But it wasn’t much.
I was very sick at this time too.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She wouldn,t have been !
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I will be 64.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
It was going to be , some day.